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No Shortness of Love

It's late here. The house is asleep, the baby is down and I've had a day and a half. Some good, some terribly inconvenient and some expensive.

The good was not having to go to work on a Monday. And some other exciting things, which I can't talk about yet.

The terribly inconvenient was the severe chest pain, panic attack and dizziness brought on by muscle strain and too-low blood pressure.

The expensive was an ambulance trip to the ER less than a mile from my office. I don't mess around with chest pain...well, that's a lie. it took me an hour before I did anything and I needed to start getting light-headed before I took my body seriously.

Why are we so stubborn? Probably because I've gone to the hospital before with chest pain and weird heartbeats and the tests were all normal. So I figured I could take a couple of pain killers and go about my day. Then the pain got worse and the dizziness set in. So yeah. Couldn't ignore it anymore.

As I'm learn what it means to love myself, and to care for myself, I realize that I ignore a lot and put off things that I know I need to do. I haven't been to the dentist yet for the loose crown I have...I just don't eat on the left side of my mouth, bc that's a good solution. Speaking of the dentist, I think it's been a year since I've had a cleaning. I haven't found a new doctor closer to where I live. I haven't had a massage in years, even though my husband buys me massage gift cards every year (they are in my purse, waiting). And now, I'll probably put off going to the cardiologist to make sure everything is alright. Like I did last time. What are you putting off? What small step can you take toward that one thing?

This paying-attention-to-my-meatsuit thing throws me off. I live in my head. I ignore the meatsuit. But like this painting says -- It's the only one I have. I would like to pay better attention. It's hard. We're socialized that it's bad to think only about ourselves. Even now "love yourself" sounds selfish to me. Self care seems self-indulgent and self-centered, especially with dishes in the sink and a kid who wants my attention. And that's the trick right? To overcome the guilt and the conditioning and allow myself to care for myself.

I'm not sure where the title came from but I like it. It stays.



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