A true account about losing weight by any means necessary.
disclaimer: This is not a post where I need you to tell me "You're beautiful," "any shape is gorgeous," "don't fat shame yourself," "you don't weight that much," "there are people more obese than you," etc. I'm not writing to get attention or compliments or to shame anyone else OR myself. None of these things is why I'm writing. I am writing to tell the truth. To stop hiding.
warning: If this post is triggering for you, I would look at that, rather than projecting your bad shit onto me, please. I ain't got time for that.
I weigh 222 lbs. It's terrifying to put that number out into the world. But there it is, and I'm going to be brave because this is important to me. I am uncomfortable in my skin, in my clothes, in the way I eat, and how I take care of myself (or lack thereof).
And don't dare take a picture of my body, unless the angle is way high above me. And even then, don't post it anywhere. I avoid mirrors when I'm naked. I don't look down. I emphasize my boobs so you don't notice my belly goes further out than my boobs. I can't see my feet. I don't sleep naked, even though I'd like to. I was able to ignore my weight gain for years because my hands and forearms are still dainty. You can differentiate between my calves and my ankles. But, the scale doesn't lie.
I am 41 years old and 5'7". My doctor has been side-eyein' me to lose weight for years. I have wanted to lose weight for years. I have lacked the conviction to stay the course. I have failed, over and over, to make the necessary permanent changes in what I eat to get to a healthy weight.
I believe the way I eat to be an extension of how I feel about myself. I don't love all of me.
And I finally decided something needed to happen that I could take to heart, that I could really feel. That the results would be there in how I felt.
I don't think a specific kind of diet will work for me because of how food is tied to emotions for me. I will always go back to sweets, and junk food, because those are comfortable.
I'm not looking for an easy fix. I know it will take time. I'm looking for motivation to workout, for the sugar cravings to cease, for the healthiest option to feel like the one that I want to most, to stop bingeing at night, and to stop ignoring what my body wants to eat by ignoring what my intuition tells me to eat on a daily basis. I want food that is yummy and good for me.
I decided to get hypnotized and it was an extra-ordinary experience. I am forever changed.
(note: i know that's not how you spell extraordinary, but the emphasis needs to be noted in this case.)
I do a lot of inner work. I love looking at my shadow side and figuring out what I can bring into the light. I suppose it makes it easy to forget my meatsuit. And the giant blaring shadow work that I'm ignoring!
During the session, I saw underneath the cupcake wrapper and RELEASED the pounds of emotions that were there. The metaphor got jumbled there, but you know what I mean.
I didn't realize we'd be diving deep into past childhood trauma and bullying, which I realized led to my hiding my true self. And trying to change myself to fit into boxes, into what people (parents) expected of me. Also a realization that I was never given a way to process my emotions in a healthy way.
Do not express your emotions. Do not be a social butterfly. Do not upset me or make me angry. Do as you are told. Make good grades. Eat this fish even though you don't like fish. Do not get up until your plate is clean.
Hiding is easy when you're overweight. Hiding is what society wants you to do.
But if you've met me, well, I don't hide. I'm a Big personality. I have a big laugh. I have opinions and I express them. I'm blunt, right-to-the-heart-of-the-matter. At parties, I don't wallflower. I get on the dance floor when it's empty and I tear that motha' down. It's one of the things I love about myself. I'm bright and shiny. I am an outgoing introvert, which can be confusing lol. But I can tell you that I do hide behind food. I hide emotions back there, behind the binges and pints of ice cream.
Eating became my emotional crutch. It's easy to do. Celebration! Let's eat our happy. Death! Let's eat our sad. Lonely! Let's eat that, too! Shame! Oh yeah buddy, put some chocolate sauce on that!
Makes sense that a child who was not taught how to process her very big emotions and was told to stay inside the lines would have a problem with overeating as an adult. right? I'm surprised I didn't have an eating disorder to establish some control. I'm also surprised I've been slim most of my life, except for the last 10 years or so. It doesn't make sense, but there you have it.
So back to yesterday.
Being hypnotized felt like floating to me. I could hear the chatter of my conscious brain, but I ignored it, in favor of floating. Together, the therapist and I dismantled years of emotional processing gone wrong. In my mind, I taught my inner child what to do with hard feelings and the best ways to process them. I imagined what I would look like in the future -- slim and healthy, and most importantly, how I would feel -- in love with every bit of myself.
I released a lot of emotional luggage yesterday.
Then I went to Target. lol.
I was feeling floaty and wonderful, but had to run errands and join the real world again. And as I walked around Target, I realized I was hungry, and needed a snack. Being that hungry is usually a horrible thing for me -- bad choices happen then if I'm out and about -- but I headed to the food section anyway and came face to face with the candy aisle.
I didn't want anything.
Nothing felt good to me. Not one thing. Not even a bag of almond joys, my favorite. Not trail mix or dried fruit.
I got a box of rice cakes that come packaged in twos. ONE package, not the whole box, would tide me over until I got home.
I crave salad now. I'm "eh"-and-a-shrug about sugar, dessert, etc. I assume that things will settle in, and maybe I will like them again, but it really does feel like things have shifted in a permanent way. I eat until I'm full, then I stop eating.
My craving for sugar is gone. It's the strangest thing. An old friend I didn't know I had. But now that it's not there, I feel free, and also slightly weary about whether or not it will stay gone.
I'm looking forward to seeing what happens on this journey!
And the way I taught my inner child to process her emotions? Through painting. Throw that paint, child. you know what to do.
ps - i'm not getting anything for the shout out to my hypnotist. She did an excellent job and I wanted to give her credit. xo